Roberta Jasina

Struggling with Myself

2010-01-09T08:31:00.000-08:00

I am on Jacob's Ladder.
I am wrestling with something.
Big.
Something familiar that makes me feel bad.

I love it. And it's killing me.

What is the secret of letting go?

My Human Condition

2009-05-11T12:07:00.000-07:00

I struggle with eating too much and worrying too much. (Among other things.)

I have been searching for the secret to controlling these compulsions.

I don't think there is any "secret."

There is no book, no research, no nothing........but discipline.

There is setting goals, and then PRACTICING the behavior that will get me to my goals.

Socrates (over there in the right hand corner) may have said it best:

"The shortest and surest way to live with honour in the world, is to be in reality what we would appear to be; and if we observe, we shall find, that all human virtues increase and strengthen themselves by the practice of them."

The THAW Radiothon at WWJ

2009-02-06T15:46:00.000-08:00

What an interesting day for WWJ.

We took our entire broadcast out on the road, for a "radiothon" to raise money for The Heat and Warmth Fund, for people who don't have any heat or electricity in their homes.

No one should have to live like that. Or die like that.

Here is a little video I shot of our broadcast today.
It's short.
I used my lovable little FLIP video camera to get the pictures.

For more information about the Radiothon, or for making a donation, or making a bid on an auction item, click on http://www.wwj.com/.

Behind the Scenes at WWJ

2009-01-24T02:34:00.000-08:00

Last year, I got a wild idea in my head to make a video of the place where I work.
I thought it would be fun to get little clips of my co-workers telling"the world" about how great WWJ is.

It is a great radio station.
Great.

I'm so proud to have worked there for 22 years now.
I consider it a privilege.

It was fun doing all the filming.

After I collected all the videos, however, I came upon the horrible realization that I had no clue as to how to put the pieces all together.
(!)

Lucky for me I happened to meet a talented, eager, young filmmaker from Plymouth Michigan, named Marc Wilson who agreed to "stitch" my little "Frankenstein monster" together.

I think this is a great little (amateur) video.

Although, watching it brings some sadness.
Several of the people featured are no longer with the radio station, having found opportunities elsewhere.

Anyway...here's a little behind the scenes look at WWJ.

Heaven in a Dinky Dinghy

2008-10-04T06:15:00.000-07:00

Looking for Heaven?
I've gotten a glimpse of it on the St. Clair River.

Come ride with me.
Let's make some waves, and find some freighters.

Leonard Slatkin

2008-08-08T16:24:00.000-07:00

Hey Detroit.
I'm crazy about the new guy in town.
Maestro Leonard Slatkin.
He's the one in the tuxedo, the man with the baton standing in front of the Detroit Symphony Orchestra.

He's the fella with fire and passion and thunder and lightening who's hopping around on the pedestal as he waves his arms and creates musical magic on stage with our D.S.O.

(I think you're going to love him too.)

Because of my job at WWJ it was my distinct pleasure to watch Mr. Slatkin teach a little
"conducting class" to a group of local kids before last Saturday night's concert at MeadowBrook.
He was great with those kids.

And the D.S.O. concert after the class was INCREDIBLE.
It was called "A Russian Spectacular."
And it was.
Spectacular.
Standing ovations galore.
Excitement.
Drama.

And a bazillion "bravos."

I loved watching him.
I enjoyed talking to him.
It was fun seeing the crowd go wild.

He's the best I've ever seen.
He makes our symphony the best I've ever heard.
He makes sitting in the audience FUN.

Here's a little bit of video I shot during the class with the kids:

2008-07-13T13:32:00.000-07:00

It’s been a while since I’ve written, but to be honest…there’s been nothing much to write about.
Summer has been good. Sunny. Hot. And wet enough so that my flowers aren’t wilting like they usually do in July.

Today though, was a very special day.
Today in Detroit, at Mt. Olivet Cemetery on Detroit’s Northeast side, they held the first ever

Mt. Olivet Sunrise Fun Run.
I got my three sisters together at the crack of dawn….and we went to the cemetery, paid our $23 dollars each, and trekked a mile and a half through that beautiful cemetery at 8 am.

The weather was gorgeous.
The runners and walkers were so nice and in such a good mood.

And the pancakes and sausages afterwards were wonderful.

And it was just FUN.

Something we've never done before.

Something healthy.

And for a good cause.
It was a fundraiser for Make A Wish.
It was a good day.
Oh.
And before we left…we went and said a prayer at my dad’s spot.

I miss him so much.

And it’s been 30 years.

Rocking and Rolling

2008-06-11T14:50:00.000-07:00

The weather has been pretty scary around here lately.
Sunday, it was sunny, hot and humid...and then, suddenly, BAM!
80 mile an hour winds hit my little town.
The storm only lasted about 15 minutes, but it was scary.
There was some property damage.
No injuries, thank goodness.
Thousands of people were left without electricity.
It's been several days now since the storm, and some people still don't have their power back.

Mother Nature.
A force to be reckoned with.

There's no arguing with her.
No trying to fight her.
No sense suing her.

We've just gotta roll with the punches.
And we were socked pretty good on Sunday.

Small Town Life

2008-05-27T12:24:00.000-07:00

I live in a little town.
It's a place where people know your name.
They know your kids.
They know your business.
It's a little town with a lot of good people.

And it's a place where holidays like Memorial Day mean a lot.

Here's a video of Monday's Memorial Day parade.

(My kid is in the band playing the trombone. )

This is 10am on a holiday morning.

Yet, as you can see, bunches of people are up and at 'em, marching down 32 Mile Road to the cemetery to pay tribute to men and women who gave "the last full measure" in war.
Some things DO matter.

I love this parade.
And the speeches, and the music.
And all the faces of all those people.
I love the tractor at the end of the video.
And that little kid on the scooter.

In a world full of baloney, and bluster and phonies, Romeo is still real.

Really wonderful.

Blue Eyed Blessings

2008-05-11T12:48:00.000-07:00

Mother’s Day

This is one of my favorite holidays of the year.
I enjoy it more than Christmas.
And much more than Halloween, or New Year’s Eve, or my birthday.

It’s Mother’s Day.

The day when my two princes,
(or chimps as I used to refer to them) are unusually nice to me, and take me out to breakfast, and buy me little gifts and cards, and hug me with their man-arms, and their razor stubble, tell me that they love me.

None of us is delusional.
Those boys know my many flaws and failures inside out.
In fact, they positively LOVE making fun of me.
Preferably in public.

I am not delusional.
I know I could have done better.
I also know that these princes are not perfect.
I failed them in a lot of different ways.
They have their faults and they have much growing up yet to do.
But in them I see the structure of fine individuals.
Handsome. Sensitive. Strong. Caring and loving.

I was married for seven years before I got pregnant.
I thought (and my doctor thought) it wasn’t ever going to happen.
But it did.
Twice.

And they are the best things that ever happened to me.
I would do anything for them.
God, kids, I love you.

Noise

2008-04-25T14:22:00.000-07:00

I am fascinated by addictions and compulsions.
We all have them.

I eat too much.

Others drink too much.
Some are hooked on dope.
For others their "jones" is work, exercise, the Internet, gambling, video games, sex, plastic surgery, or porn.
I'm sure there are dozens more possiblities.

But lately, I've run into something different.
Compulsive talking.
Is there such a thing?

I think there is.

This past week, I've been witness to several alleged "conversations" which were NOT conversations.

They were speeches.
Monologues.
One way, extemporaneous presentations.
Opinions and details.
Clauses and adjectives.
For forever and ever.

How can someone talk for 20 minutes (20 MINUTES!) about something, without ONCE seeking some kind of input, or feedback, or "affirmation" of some kind from another?

Why doesn't it occur to some people that they've stopped communicating?

Do they care?

Or are they just compelled to talk.

In my college journalism classes (for radio) we were taught to keep the length of our stories to 45 seconds.

One of my teachers used to make us stand on one leg while we were making oral presentations. As soon as we had to steady ourselves by putting down our other foot, we had to end our speech. She said that exercise would teach us about the average person's attention span.

Communicating is supposed to be "communion" of some kind.
It's supposed to be an alternating current.
Give and take.
Sharing.
Caring.

Reciprocity.

One way conversations.
I think that's what blogs are for.

I am Living With a Maniac

2008-03-22T05:32:00.000-07:00

In fact, we all are.

I am reading a remarkable book.
"A New Earth."

It's a book that has really "snapped my neck."
Made me look at things in a new way.

It's a book about the ego.

About how we all have this little narcissistic voice in our heads that constantly "talks" about "what I want,
what I need, what I don't like," and on and on and on.
I believe this book is revolutionary.

I wish everyone could/would read it.

The lesson is important.
(and, at times, difficult to "plug in" to real life.)

But it just makes so much sense.

And I think the book points the way to contentment and joy.
Even here on Earth.
Even now.

Especially now.

This book is important.

ps. Just wanted to add one of my favorite quotes here.
It sort of applies.

Finish each day and be done with it.
You have done what you could.
Some blunders and absurdities no doubt have crept in;
forget them as soon as you can.

Tomorrow is a new day;
begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense.
This day is all that is good and fair.
It is too dear, with its hopes and invitations, to waste a moment on yesterdays.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

The Winter of Our Discontent

2008-03-09T05:49:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt grief over the weather?
Have you ever grieved springtime?

I have.
And I am.

I am mourning the absence of the grass.
The lack of sunshine.
I miss the rain.
I miss gentle breezes.

I miss taking my dogs for a walk on the farm.
I want to ride my bike, and I want to put my rollerblades on and skate at Stoney Creek.
I want to go swimming.
I want to drift in my husband’s little fishing boat down the St. Clair River.
I want to dig in my garden.
I want to feel the sun’s warmth on my face and on my skin.

I want to sweat.

I know.
“Don’t wish your life away.”

I know.
“For everything there is a season.
For everything there is a purpose under Heaven.”

I know all that.
But for God’s sake Spring, please come home for Easter.

I cannot wait to celebrate you home.

I Love You, I Hate You , I Love You

2008-03-02T03:47:00.000-08:00

I wanted to spank my son yesterday.
The one who's 16 and who is six feet tall.
Oh and maybe wring his neck too.
And I wanted to hug him and never let him go.

He had a high school band competition yesterday.
He asked if he could drive our good car to the high school (three blocks away.)
Sure. No problem.
He was all dressed up in his concert band "tuxedo" and bow tie looking very adult and handsome.

The only thing is, his girlfriend is in the high school band too.
After the concert he decided to drive her home.
She lives on a beautiful little winding road in a very nice, quiet little neighborhood.

The snow is piled high and the ice is thick on the road in her neighborhood.

After he dropped her off, he was apparently going too fast for the wintry conditions.
No.
There is no "apparently" about it.
He was going too fast.
Was too careless.
Too stupid.

The car skidded and landed on its side in a three foot ditch.

He didn't hit anyone. (Thank God.)
And he wasn't seriously hurt. (Although he had to crawl out the passenger side of the car to get out.)

We had to wait about an hour for the tow truck to come, and drag the car out.

The sheriff's deputy on the scene talked to him.
His dad talked to him.

And after we got home I screamed at him.

I hated him so much for being so young and careless and stupid.

But he's not stupid.
He's just young.
And he was full of remorse.

And after things settled down last night, we sat in the family room, and watched a movie together...my son, my husband and me.

And my son put a pillow on my lap, put his head on the pillow, and sprawled out on the couch for the duration of the film.

We were all just so grateful to be together. And to be ok...for the moment.

God, I love that big, blonde haired "goof."

Please God, protect him from himself.

Three Things to Think About

2008-03-01T10:03:00.000-08:00

I've just visited one of my favorite places on the web, and the writer asked readers to consider answering these questions.

What gave me unexpected pleasure?

What am I proudest of today?

What did I do for someone else today?

1. Unexpected pleasure?
A gentleman (about 50-ish) was ushered into the newsroom where I work. He'd heard an interview I'd done with the Mayor of Detroit. He said to me, "I've never heard such pointed questions in an interview before." He shook my hand. He was looking at me with such respect. That look gave me a rush of deep, unexpected pleasure.
(Ok. Don't say it. I KNOW it sounds egomaniacal.
But only because it IS egomaniacal.

: )
Just let me enjoy my sin of pride for a few seconds, ok?

2. I am proudest of the fact that, although I strayed off my diet HORRIBLY yesterday, I am back on track today.

3. In terms of doing something for others, I am sending my nephew a little gift for his just announced marriage plans. God bless him as he starts this "adventure."

2008-02-10T02:26:00.000-08:00

Love wholeheartedly, be surprised, give thanks and praise--then you will discover the fullness of your life.

-Brother David Steindl-Rast

I saw this quote today when I opened my AOL homepage.

I thought to myself....ok.

It's good advice.

Love wholeheartedly.

But it's not what I'd call "happy advice."

Loving wholeheartedly is not the road to happiness.

It is the road to pain and heartbreak.

Many of the people I have loved "wholeheartedly" have been busy

getting sick, dying, taking new jobs, or moving far away.

One of them has done that very thing in the last week.

Loving wholeheartedly has broken my heart.

Doesn't seem right.

But that's the way it is.

Happy New Year

2008-01-01T05:36:00.000-08:00

New Year's Eve used to be a holiday I hated.
I went to a big party one year.
It was at a huge, swanky hall in the northern suburbs.
Hundreds of people were there.
The women wore gorgeous, low cut evening gowns.
(Mine was a floor length, peach colored halter dress. I can still see it.)
The men wore suits and party hats.
Everyone seemed intent on getting drunk as fast as they could.
There was music and loud laughter, and "dancing."

Everyone was smooching (sloppily) at midnight.
And then, hours later, many of them were off to try to drive home in a drunken stupor.
It was surreal.
An evening of desperate partying.
People were trying so hard to have "mandatory" holiday fun.
It was depressing.

But now that I am older, I celebrate New Year's Eve differently.
I stayed home last night and watched "The Twilight Zone" marathon on the Sci-Fi Channel.
(!)

In between those wonderful old TV shows, I managed to look back at some important things I accomplished in 2007.
And I tried to forgive myself for my failures. (Many.)

I am looking forward to the new year with hope.

I'm hoping to become a better person in 2008.

I want to be a better woman.

I want to lose weight and be able to slip into my pink suit by Easter.
I want to become more physically fit, and be able to walk three miles in 40 minutes.

I want to do some volunteer work and make a difference in my community.
I want to read more books.
I want to do more writing and reporting.
I want to learn to fish.
I'd like to learn how to clean, and COOK the fish that I catch.
I'd like to learn how to shoot clay pigeons at Algonac State Park.
I want a cleaner house with a freshly painted kitchen.
I want to meet new people and have quiet, meaningful conversations with them.
I want to make a difference in some one's life.

I would like to love, and be loved.

And so I look forward to 2008 with hope.

Things can get better.

Maybe the world and the Michigan economy can get better.

Maybe even I can be better.

2007-12-16T05:21:00.000-08:00

Last September, I had some friends over.

Being women, we were all sort of sitting in my living room complaining a bit about some weight we had gained. All of us.

We were bummed about it.

I showed my friends the treadmill I have set up in our "TV room."
I told them I planned to really buckle down, and diet for Christmas.
I was really going to start exercising regularly.
To lose the pounds I'd gained.

One of them said, "You really don't have any excuse, do you."

It was like a lightening bolt.
A poke in the eye.
A slap in the face.
Cold water.

She was absolutely right.
Absolutely.
I really don't have any excuse.

Excuse me now.
I've gotta go get on that treadmill.

RJ

Fighting the Gloom

2007-12-08T09:59:00.000-08:00

After dieting and exercising, and then going to Weight Watchers last week and actually GAINING a pound and a half, well I fell off the wagon.

I was so angry.
I said, "the hell with it. Why bother."

I have spent the last week eating whatever I wanted at breakfast, lunch and dinner.

But I KNOW why I have to "bother."
Because if I don't...things will just get worse.
I will not maintain.
I will gain.

So I've crawled back up on the wagon again.
And I'm going to try to hold on.

With my greasy little fingers.

Failure

2007-12-01T05:16:00.000-08:00

Good God.

I went to Weight Watchers Thursday evening.
I felt good about myself.
I had been good on my diet for two weeks.
Not even a smidgen of pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving.

When I weighed in...the leader said:
"Good news. You only went up a pound and a half over the holiday!"

WENT UP A POUND AND A HALF????!!!
GOOD NEWS!!!!?????????????

I was absolutely depressed and dejected.
I don't know what the answer is.

2007-11-25T03:41:00.000-08:00

I've made it to Sunday morning.

Holiday weekends are hard...but I've made it through.

Tomorrow it's back to work.
Which is a whole different ballgame:
the getting up early, the rushing around, the madness of being part of a great newsroom,
the utter sadness of some of the stories we will be covering.

But I'm planning to continue my quiet little "dance with discipline."
And hopefully, I'll land on my feet.

2007-11-24T02:32:00.000-08:00

Finding My Own Way.

My friend says,
"Oh good! I see you followed the Michael Winner Diet - eat what you like, but eat less. (Could have had a smidgin of pumpkin pie). Now you can give up Weightwatchers."

Good advice. For someone who's normal.
I don't know who Michael Winner is, and it's obvious he doesn't know me.
I cannot have a smidgin of pumpkin pie.
I cannot have a spoonful of ice cream.
I cannot have three potato chips, or five peanuts.
And I cannot have a couple of sips of beer.
I wish I could, but I can't.

I don't have self control.
I am taking BABY STEPS right now to LEARN IT.

I am like an alcoholic.
There is the alcoholic who says "I can have one beer."
He'd say, "One beer won't hurt."
But it did.
And it does.

And so it goes.
For me.

I had another good day yesterday.
My husband took my sons to Indiana to visit Grampa and Gramma.
I stayed home with the dogs and watched several Andy Hardy movies on Turner Classic TV.
(It was incredibly FUN!)

Today I have much housework to do before the guys get home.
But I feel postive, and hopeful, and confident.
(shaky confident!)

I will not even eat a smidgen of that pumpkin pie.
I can't.

I love pumpkin pie.

2007-11-23T03:54:00.000-08:00

Ok.
Here it is the day after Thanksgiving, and I'm doing ok on the diet thing.
(whew!)
I ate with my family yesterday, I DID have turkey and some of the other stuff...but not very much.
And I passed up the pumpkin pie completely.

Did I mention that I love pumpkin pie?

Dammit, I HATE having to use self control!
It's just not my strong suit.
Especially when I'm sitting near my two sons who basically SHOVEL their food in by the truckload...and neither of them has an OUNCE of fat on them.

But that is THEM, it's not me.
(sigh)

They are not 40-plus pounds overweight.
They are not 53 going on 54 years old.
They are not wearing clothes that are getting tight on them.
They are not facing my Weight Watchers instructor next Thursday evening.

And so, my little adventure continues here.
Onward and Upward.
And hopefully, DOWNWARD.

I love pumpkin pie.

2007-11-02T14:39:00.000-07:00

Stitches

Now I know why people have stomach surgery to lose weight.

It's a sure thing.

You WILL lose buckets of weight.

And you'll lose it quickly.

And you won't be hungry.

I am not losing weight.

I am hungry.

And I'm depressed.

I'm mad at myself.

I have three good days, and then two horrible days.

All of the progress I made during those three good days has been wiped out.

Failure.

Again and again.

Forever again.

What is the matter with me.

Why can't I beat this devil inside.

What's eating me?

What makes me eat?

I feel horrible.

Three Good Days, One Bad.

2007-10-29T15:56:00.000-07:00

Ok.
So I had a fantastic weekend.
In terms of my diet and self control.
It wasn't a FUN weekend.
But it was a disciplined weekend.

I stayed on my Weight Watchers program religiously.
I ate good food, and counted all the points.
I exercised on my "dreadmill" for 40 minutes Saturday and Sunday.

But ...
last night I didn't sleep much and today I had a bad day at work and so I came home and I ate too much.

Why did I do that?

I'm going to get on the treadmill right now.
Try to make amends for my "sins."
And then start brand new tomorrow.

As Emerson said..."Finish each day and be done with it. You've done what you could. No doubt some mistakes and absurdities crept in. Forget them quickly. Tomorrow is a new day. Strive to be happy."

I'm striving, Ralph.
I'm striving.

Weight for me!

2007-10-27T03:51:00.000-07:00

How did it ever come to this.

(Looking back, I guess I know.)

Life does it to you.
Grief does it to you.
Even happiness does it to you.

Having children DEFINITELY does it to you.
(So does getting up for work at 2:30 in the morning.
Every morning.
And living out of step with the rest of society.)
Exhaustion can do it to you.

But in the end…I really did it to myself.

I'm a victim of my own pathetic self indulgence.

God, I HATE having no one to blame but myself!

It’s not something that’s as serious as war, child abuse, poverty, or a death in the family.
I know that.

But it is something that bothers me.
And it bothers me every day.
And it has bothered me for a long time.

I am overweight.
Really overweight.
And have been for a long time.

I feel ugly.
And sad.
And ridiculous.
And out of control.

It’s not dignified.
It’s abusive.
It’s sick.

It’s an insult to God.
And to myself.

There are so many things I would like to change about the world we live in.
And yet…I have been unable to make this one, small change in myself.
What’s the matter with me?

But maybe there is still hope.
Maybe there is still time, and there is still the drive in me to make this change.

And then maybe I can move on to making other changes.

More important changes.

Maybe there's hope.

Today, I am going to make a new start.
And I am going to try to drop that 40 (plus) pounds, and become the fittest 53 year old woman I know.

Maybe there's hope.

Uh oh.
I’m reminded of what Yoda said.
“There is no try. There is only do.”

Yoda…here’s to you.